Yiddishkeit or Pluralistic Judaism? Mrs. Blogs decides

I owe the teshuva I am about to do to Daniel Finkelstein (deputy editor of The Times). His comments in this week's JC were so pathetically ignorant I felt sorry for him. Does he think Dayan Ehrentrau's rulings on Jewish life and what constitutes a Jew are based on the learned Dayan's personal opinions and viewpoints?? Surely an intellectual like Mr. Finkelstein can reason that dayanim make rulings based on Jewish law, tryng to preserve our ancient heritage as much in-tact as possible so that it doesn't just disintegrate into mere culture? To a Liberal Jew, however, Judaiam is exactly that: a cultural identity. A heritage in theory, not for actully putting into practice today (but for acknowledging its greatness nevertheless). I would have thought that before one can describe oneself as Liberal, Orhodox or anything else, one must first be educated in Jewish matters to know 'what is what'; what one is taking on or rejecting. How can an ignoramous say catagorically "I am a Liberal Jew"?? With respect, Mr. Finkelstein, how do you know you are a Liberal Jew?? Did you choose this road after learning that Reform, Orthodox or Ultra-Orthodox are not your thing??? Or did you just find yourself born into Liberal Jewish life and you were content to drift along with that, so that actually you have never really addressed the question "what makes me a Jew at all, Liberal or any other?" ????? And as for your non-Jewish colleagues who you describe as being "dismissive about" or "hostile" towards ultra-orthodoxy, the mind boggles! What do they know about it? Surely this is where the word "arrogance" is most in place, not with reference to Dayan Ehrentrau and his stalwart efforts to keep Judaism Jewish! The dayanim and rabbonim who signed the declaration know what they are standing up for. They are not courting the popular vote, and they are not interested in whether an ignoramous who thinks he is educated enough in Jewish matters to describe himself as Liberal, thinks "the argument for very strict orthodoxy is very weak". They are the trustees of a highly precious fund, to be preserved for posterity. It is their duty to preserve it and to safeguard it for the future generations. It would not have been "wrong" on your part to let your comments pass Mr. F., it would actually have been very wise. But you have helped me to see the errors of some of my past ways, and for this I am indebted to you. Now I, on the other hand, as an educated Jew, CAN describe myself as Liberal, Orthodox, Ultra-Orthodox, or Ultra-Liberal - but I am happy just to be Mrs. Joe Blogs. Let the less learned partake of Limmud. Chief Rabbi, your job awaits you.

Giluy Shechina vs. Giluy Daas

So much has happened since I attended the Chief Rabbi's induction back in September, I'm not even sure if he is still in office.  If he is, OH DEAR.  Anyone who thinks the Big Bang has already happened has heard nothing yet.

According to the Giluy Daas that appeared in the Lech-Lecha JT, attending the Limmud Festival and calling oneself 'orthodox' cannot go together.  But the Chief, who believes himself to be an Orthodox Rabbi of Anglo-Jewry, has vowed to attend Limmud this year.  Where on earth does this leave the average orthodox yid who follows rabbinic edicts to the end of the world?

My reading of this edict is that orthodoxy has (once again) tightened its chastity belt in the face of ever-increasing threats to halachic Judaism.  Modern approaches to modern problems went out of the window when the Enlightenment first surfaced, and we have been living a reactionary Judaism ever since. 

In order to blot out the Reform approaches, we have closed our minds to MODERN yet still ORTHODOX approaches to halachic issues of our day, some of which probably need not be issues at all without us being any less loyal to orthodoxy; we have imposed ever greater stringencies on how we practise our halachic yiddishkeit; and we have gone overboard with our defensive attacks on mixing with people who hold wider views and values.  But we have not been able to stem the tide of Reform Judaism.  It has taken hold despite the best efforts of the rabbis.   

Now there is a happy union of Reform and Orthodox coming together, NOT to throw eggs at and to lambast one another but to celebrate what they have in common.  It will be the nearest thing to a hippy convention that Judaism can offer.  Real Achdus.  Except that the right wing will not be participating because our rabbis don't want us hearing about modern solutions to problems like agunah, driving on shabbos, family purity vs. multiple wives and numerous other contemporary issues.  They don't have the answers, but they know Reform is not the solution. 

It follows that Limmud  poses a serious threat to rabbinic Judaism and along with denim skirts, trousers for women (permitted by R. Ovadia Yosef I understand) and unsupervised milk it must be shunned on pain of no shidduchim for our kids and similar threats. 

Poor old us - threatened not only by Reform influences but by our own rabbis holding us over a barrel.  Personally, I blame Hillel and Shamai for encouraging debate in the first instance.  

   

Hit a cyclist - and make a donation to Kisharon.

Now you wouldn't think this could be a topic for discussion amongst decent yidden.  Cyclists, after all, are part of Hashem's creation and we are dutibound to thank Him for the bad as well as for the good.

So when Mr. Blogs arrived home on Friday and showed me the dent in his cycling helmet, commenting "boruch Hashem I'd left my brains at home this morning anyway", I was a little surprised.  After all, he only cycles from Temple Fortune to Grodz - and even then only on a Friday.  What could have happened?

It transpired that a Mrs. XXX, driving her 6X6 [with a sticker showing her support for Kisharon in the back window] had been a little too eager to squeeze passed another car and had given poor old hubby minus inches clearance.  Excellent!  Support Kisharon!  Drive selfishly and donate brain-damaged victims as a result.  Otherwise you risk arriving at your destination 1 minute later and that is too unthinkable for words.

Fast food for thought

One thing that makes me see red in the great heat is the sight of a sheitel-clad lady walking down the road, looking smart  and 'together' in her heels and "kosher" outfit while the rest of society turns to liquid; and beside her is her husband - no sheitel, not even socks; just shorts and a breezey shirt (or even a t-shirt) keeping him from overheating.  How insensitive can some men be??

 If I dressed in some (thigh-covering) 'shorts' and a loose shirt or t-shirt, sleeves above the elbow, and kept my hair cool and free, I would be looking at my Get papers now.

 But I have decided to stay cool and b'tznuah and not get my tichel in a twist.  Will just ask hubby for a new car with state-of-the-art air con; and also for a fitted outdoor kitchen.  And some new earrings, a new set of cool, breezey maternity dresses and new baby to match.  Wipe the sweat of your brow, dear.  I'm the one who can't take the heat  - or get out of the kitchen. 

The Chazon Isha's visit to North West London

Notwithstanding Chief Rabbi Sacks's anti-charedi remarks at last week's dinner - (in our house we eat once a week) - the fact is that my revered hubby and I were shocked when we visited the so-called frum neighbourhood of Golders Green over shabbos pinchos.  It might gladden Lord Sacks's heart to see so many women in sheitles and stilettoes, but it broke ours.  "High class Mayfair Ladies of the Night they look like" said the Visionary (as if he knows).  "Do they even know how to remove tissues from the box ke'halochoh on shabbos??  Do they go to any serious shiurim??? - (HOW DARE THEY?!!)" 

We were walking down the main autobahn leading from one eidah charedissssss to the next, when we heard a woman talking (on shabbos!!) to the effect that she "doesn't think her daughter has ever spoken to a non-Jew".  I should hope not!  What is the chiddush in that?  Why should her daughter have to speak to a non-Jew?  Why should she have to speak at all?  Isn't it enough that she is able to daven mincha and talk to Him?  Just because there are goyim in the town doesn't mean we have to sell our holy neshomos.  Only ask the Visionary about women talking - to yidden, goyim or even to themselves.  Where is it written that this is permitted?

Anyway, we finally reached where we were going when suddenly the Visionary has a sha'aloh.  Who is he going to ask in a place like GG in 5773 (may we live to see it), a place where there are no real rabbonim to talk of?  But first you need to know the sha'aloh.  It is this:  if the Chief Rabbi of a Commonwealth of Nations calls a section of yidden "a danger to the future of the Jewish people", and there could chas ve'sholom be some truth to these words, is it permitted to mingle with such people, (especially on shabbos)?  What could we do! Here we were right in the middle of Golders Green, on shabbos, and no-one to ask.  So I said I would put out an appeal for guidance in this matter, which is why I am now blogging. 

Not long ago a learned judge described a section of the mainstream community as having "religious schizophrenia", but my revered husband and I are of the opinion (and ours is the opinion that has stood the test of time remember), that there is religious schizophrenia in ALL sections of the communtiy.  So we are getting the next plane back to our own world, where we only have to mix with our own kind of schizophrenics and where we are not subject to the witterings of intellectual giants (like the Chief Rabbi). 

Gut Voch from my very learned husband, and his household.

PC Ben Yitzchok of the Sin'u Ra Division.

A letter appeared in the Tribune (6 June '13) entitled "Chief Rabbi's valediction", and it fell to Ben Yitzchok to offer a swift reply.  The gist of it was that it is a duty on any Gd-fearing yid to "highlight the sinful lifestyle" of those who are, sadly, to be tolerated.  This includes reform Jews, mechalelei Shabbos, homosexuals and possibly a few others.  Whilst we must legally tolerate the actual people, we dare not tolerate the sins.  Let me sharpen my sword and prepare to defend holiness to the hilt then:

If I must take chastisement from a fellow human being in matters of Jewish law, I expect my chastiser to be perfect.  If my chastiser can her(or him)self be criticised, their criticism of me is of no consequence.  This is in line with principles such as "let he who is without sin cast the first stone", or "he who comes to a Court of Equity shall come with clean hands".  It is a kind of natural justice.

Now it is no secret that Charedim do not have such a wonderful reputation outside our own inward-looking communitiy.  We cause heaps of trouble where-ever we touch down, and justify all of it using our own principles and values, regardless of the rights of others to their interpretations and values.  A classic example is the farcical charedi reaction to the "Women of the Wall" prayer meetings.  Instead of leading by example, thereby showing the beauty of traditional orthodox Jewish life, we demonstrate (for want of a better word!) how out-of-touch, intolerant, bigotted and arrogant we are.  With our scorn we invite scorn.  With our arrogance we invite contempt.  With our intolerance we invite anti-Torah feeling (and by definition we cause the Name of Heaven to be brought into disrepute).  "Gays Out of the Beis Medrash!" might tick all the right boxes for Ben Yitzchok and his ilk of zealots and fundamentalists, but if I was a gay yeshiva bochur this approach could be the death of me.  (How self-righteous would my chastisers feel then?) 

How do we think it looks (if we think about it at all) when we ask sha'alos about "how to change a nappy on shabbos", whilst at the same time looking down our noses at other yidden who might not be keeping shabbos halachically - (but who Hashem seems able to tolerate)? 

Get off your high horse, Ben Yitzchok.  You are what you are, like your gay chaver is what he is, and like your reform brothers are what they are.  You don't have the monopoly on anything.  Get your kop round that and you will be on the way to frum yiddishkeit. 

The Hole In The Wall

I am reading an article entitled "Yair, Listen Up!" (Hamodia, 9/5/'13).  I glean that Menachem Gesheid (self-confessed charedi journalist in Israel) was invited to a dinner at the President's Residence, attended by President Obama, that he found it too difficult to comply with the required dress code (to wear a tie) because of a flippant "WHAT DOES A GERRER CHASID UNDERSTAND ABOUT TIES?" (my caps); that he didn't even have one in his pocket just in case the rules should turn out to apply equally to him as to everyone else; and that in the end he had to be bailed out by the President of the State of Israel who donated one of his own ties to him, for the dinner and for all eternity.

What is so difficult about a tie that a Gerrer chosid cannot comprehend? 

More to the point, who does this would-be 'chochom' think he is kidding?  Was it against his principles to show respect both for his own government on the international scene and for President Obama that he had the gall to show up inappropriately dressed (even though he had been told in advance what to wear)?

And to laugh it off afterwards as being the oversight of a charedi yid who doesn't know his tie from his tefillin, as though the general public will see this as funny rather than pathetic, this is just too much for the likes of Mrs. Blogs.  Because in the very same edition of Hamodia we were entertained by a Ruth Lichtenstein (do I know her?) with her "Open Letter to Neshot Hakotel" (p.B50) (not sure I would call this any kind of a letter but it got the pain off her chest I hope), clearly upset by the cheek of the Women of the Wall who, every Rosh Chodesh, conform to their values rather than to hers, at "the ultimate symbol of unity" (the kosel).  Unlike the President though, who imposed his dress code on everybody he invited to his own Residence, the Women of the Wall do not impose their style of dress on all women who come to the kosel. 

Nevertheless I think Mr. Gesheid should speak out loud and clear for the rights of people everywhere to dress in a way they feel at peace with themselves, be they charedim or Reform Jews or followers of the Rabbeinu Tam.  He should raise the flag "Let us be true to ourselves as Gerrer Chasidim, American Women or whatever we identify with". 

Let us all disrespect one another's values and all be equally patronising and arrogant about it, and may moshiach come speedily in our days.

Of Dayonim and Judges

Just as I was getting my blood pressure down after pesach, I have been asked whether I have read this week's "Voice of Anglo-Jewish Orhodoxy".  Now obviously people with blood pressure shouldn't really come within 5 miles of the JT, but I confess that in moments of weakness, I need the laugh.  This past week hasn't been one of those though, so how could I have known what I was missing? 

Lying here in hospital having my blood pressure stabilised, I know now.  On p35 of the said Voice, Judge Leonard Gerber has set out his vision of Anglo-Jewry under Charedi rule.  It is priceless.  A Shakespearean farce without all the fancy language, the essence of it is that the next Chief Rabbi needs to be acceptable to "Anglo-Jewish Orthodoxy".  As such, academic credentials without having adequate knowledge of halocho or having a suitable Yeshiva background would mean the office-holder did not have the "allegiance necessary".

Pardon???  Is it not the case that "Anglo-Jewish Orthodoxy", which I understand to mean the Adass Yisroel, Kedassia etc set up all its own institutions back in the last century specifically to avoid interacting with mainstream Anglo-Jewry??  Now it expects the next Chief Rabbi to represent its style of orthodoxy?!!?!!  Get real man! 

The fact is that we in the UOHC set up our stall in the face of Anglo-Jewish England and "our ways are not their ways", so why on earth should our criteria be taken into account in the selection of a suitable post-holder?  Whoever he is needs to have allegiance to those paying his salary surely, not to those who don't support the institutions of Anglo-Jewry (eg the Beth-Din).  (The nurse is here telling me to lie still and stop foaming at the bit or I might not live long....)

For my part, I don't see why Anglo-Jewry can't be led by a learned female spiritual leader, and I know a woman who is learned, spiritual, spirited and a real leader of men.....

The Iron Lady, a"h

Can't help noticing the irony:  she died on kaf-ches Nissan (28th), spelling KO'ACH (strength).  It was all in the name!

If You Need The Dough . . . .

Can I open my eyes yet?  Is it all over?  Can I get back to blogging or are some of us still coming out of Egypt?   Well I need to get this aired as soon as possible because I've had it on my mind for over a week so I must proceed: 

Picture a house that is from roof to roots, Kosher Le'Pesach.  Every inch and millimetre either toiveled, sold or paskened about, and every food item signed for, sealed and stamped with KLP ink.  Now imagine the magnificent seder plate, the glorious table, the bright rooms, the shining faces, the whole of pesach stretching out before us like a week in Utopia. 

Upon this scene in walks some kind of joke, wrapped in a packet of green foil housing a snack marked KOSHER FOR PASSOVER and bearing the name of a Rabbi.  The ingredients are barely edible even without pesach considerations, but when I got to  "....yeast extract" I almost choked.

Yeast extract??  Does this mean I could be putting marmite on my matzah??  Or that this hechsher is worthless and our home has been unwittingly defiled (after all our combined efforts) ???  Or is it as I learnt at one of the shiurim posted on this blog before the festival began:  that chometz hasn't been definitively defined yet so we can't prepare for pesach properly even if we start 3 years in advance?

In future, before I spend any money on a hechsher, I will ask the approving rabbi/authority to verify that the hechsher is worth its weight in gold.

"MAKING PESACH", by Mrs. Joe Blogs

For me pesach can be divided into 3 parts: 

The social side of it starts on the eighth day.  No, that was a joke.  The social side of it really starts immediately after one pesach finishes.  This is when I make notes about what went wrong, what I will/won't be doing next year, who I don't need to invite again just yet and what dishes went down well.  The rest of the year until chanuka is mainly just an extended planning meeting with myself  (and occasionally Mr. Blogs), with all the plans being put into effect according to a built-in timetable over the next year.

The religious side starts in the two weeks before yom-tov (ie pesach), when I remember that I need to order a zeroah - not just 4 cows and 60 chickens.  Then I can relax on this score until literally erev pesach when we finally burn the chometz, or sell it, and make the appropriate declarations before Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

The chinuch aspect is another story altogether.  I need to teach my kids how to make pesach the way my grandmother's great-grandmother did it, and it is not easy to do this now that we have things like electricity and freezers etc; and I am mindful of the catering and hospitality timetable (and the rest of our lives going on regardless) which are skills I also wish to pass on to my kids.  So when we get to post-purim, I start emptying cupboards while everyone is out and leaving all the contents on the kitches surfaces, stairs, anywhere.  I leave some sort of cleaning products in the cupboards, leave the doors open - and then I am free for the rest of the day to organise the bedding requirements, visit the butcher and fish shop, pop down to the West End for a little 'time to myself' (yeah right), and get the MoT done.  If I'm home by half five, the kids will ask me why everything is out of the cupboards and I can tell them that its getting close to pesach and how will the chometz be removed if nobody lifts a finger??  Every year I moan to the kids about cleaning the oven etc, but they have never actually seen me do it (for pesach).  After they break up they do it, for the chinuch.  I am moaning because it adds to the atmosphere and they need to learn how to moan with kavono even though we no longer have the Beis Hamikdosh. 

B"H  the rabbonim were kind enough to invent things like selling the chometz, token searchings and burnings, declarations (and there is always Yom Kippur remember), so that the only serious challenge of the festival is the catering and hospitality.  And the in-laws.  And the diet. And the shiurim Mr. Blogs goes to just to test me.  The rest is a piece of cake with some technical difficulties instead of cherries on the top.  Any normal housewife can deal with those. 

Rabbi Blogs on MAKING PESACH (PART TWO)

Last time we were discussing issues concerning pesach, amongst other things, and today we will continue this theme but from the perspective of the yiddishe housewife:

There is no doubt that the prohibition concerning chometz on pesach is a major trauma for most households. The penalty for being oiver this lav is kores, which no-one is looking for.

When it says in the posuk "you shall remove all leaven from your house; no leaven shall be seen in all your houses for the seven days" (not necessarily exact quote but for a bogus rabbi in the run up to pesach its not bad), it means business.  And business is indeed what pesach is all about.

There are different rabbinic opinions as to what exactly constitues Kosher LePesach.  Most of these do not concern you - the housewife - making pesach because you will only do the shopping in a shop approved by your husband.  His decision is based on whose products taste better, or are a penny cheaper, or are under the kashrus authority he would like to support (patronise), or which hechsher is more stringent, (or lenient); and this process on his part takes 90% of the stress off you.

In practice then, pesach doesn't really need to get going for women until succos is over.  The winter is a good time to think about who you will be having to stay for the next yom tov, the name of which currently escapes you, and to recap on how many children you have (or will have) etc.  This is normally forgotten by most men so don't rely on your husband to pasken on this.  If it doesn't concern kashrus and labels, he won't know.  Some say it is better he doesn't know.

Moving on to purim, you can maximise the occasion for passing on all your food and mashkeh (although Rav 4 says one should wait with this until the next day) to people who don't really want any chometz a month before pesach, but what are friends for?  BUT:  once purim is behind you, one is obligated to really get stuck in, planning menus and making draft lists for shopping and cleaning.

Unfortunately you will not be able to carry out this part of the mitzvah to your full potential because the rabbonim are divided as to what exactly needs cleaning and more importantly what constitutes chometz.  But "machshovo k'ma-aseh" (the thought is as good as the deed), and if your intention is to rid your home of all forbidden chometz, cleaning the curtains and the grass are sufficient.  She who is machmir, how much is she to be praised.  (About .1%? .2% efshar).  Sticking your head in the oven is preferable to sticking your neck out, but if there is a danger of your being cooked one must take care not to do this on shabbos. 

This leads to the inyan of whether one may prepare, even mentally, for pesach on shabbos.  If one's thoughts are about menus, quantities, recipes and chocolate it is permitted; if one is thinking about cleaning, in-laws, another addition to the family or euro lids it is forbidden.  Reb Ellion says thinking for women is ossur at any time.  Rav 4 says thinking about women is ossur at any time.  But the halocho is according to the majority (of men).

On erev pesach, which lasts from a week after purim until the first seder, you will need to refer repeatedly to your shulchon oruch (mitt an alef, loi mitt an ayin) to see how many more people you can squeeze round it.  It is a duty to remember that you only have 32 chairs and 2 high chairs.  One who forgets needs to apologise on the Night In Question for the ensuing hassle.  These days, however, when even women have come to make mistakes occasionally, most households are not too strict about the chairs provided there is enough food.

Food is forbidden on pesach unless it is sealed, in which case it may be eaten if so desired.  If a dog is partial to lipstick, perfume, hair conditoners  or even washing up liquid the dog must be rehoused over the festival.  You are not required to replace these products unless you are not happy with them, in which case they should be replaced with alternative products.  This is because of the principle of  "I'm worth it" (L'oreal) although some say it is so that sholom bayis is not disrupted over yom tov.

It is now time for Ma'ariv.



 

Rabbi Blogs on "MAKING PESACH"

Rabbi Blogs is just me, Mrs Joe Blogs, appealing to those readers who cannot accept that I am a woman.  If it is easier for you to think of me in trousers then so be it, and since Mr. Blogs is my other half and I cannot use his name, I must be Rabbi Blogs of course.

Now, at the end of my last post someone asked me at which yeshivo I learnt.  As you can imagine, this is a bit of a poser.  But think about it:  "yeshiva" (or "sitting place") is where the men go to literally SIT and LEARN.   So I went to the BSM yeshiva, that is the British School of Motoring.  Here I literally sat (at the wheel) and learnt (how to drive).  I then graduated to a yeshiva where we actually stood rather than sat, and learnt (by trial and error) how to cook and to cater for 99.9% of eventualities than can arise in any domestic Jewish environment.  Not everything can be learnt from a book, after all.  Sometimes you just have to do it and learn the hard way.

So when some rov comes along and quotes sources about what constitutes chometz in any practical sense, until this rov undertakes the WHOLE of the operation, from start to finish, of "the pesach season" including changing back to chometz and doing all the laundry after the holiday and getting the household back to normal routine again, until he has done the whole lot, the sources he quotes are just words.  A noble aspiration on paper but otherwise meaningless. 

Sadly, in all the centuries it never seems to have occurred to any rov to get "the housewife view" of it all.  On the whole she is the one doing the work, and yet the discusssions and arguments about what constitutes chometz and how to kasher the television for pesach seem to be male-dominated, theoretical and largely inpractical (naturally) treatises - which most home-makers don't have the time to sit and learn anyway.  It is beyond patronising really.  Nauseating. 

At my next shiur, we will learn how to make pesach if you are a housewife.  This has never, ever, been learnt in any yeshiva.  And my learned friends think they know it all! 

"Media blamed for Chareidi hatred" - (Tribune)

Front page, far right (where else?) of the current Tribune.  A blue column that makes me see red.  I expect most people who can read this post can also read the column, so I won't bother quoting from it.   The only issue I have is the absolute gall of some charedim who are perceived as contributing nothing to Israeli society, making ever ludicrous demands, inciting everyone to dislike them with their "let us live our lives, but we won't let you live yours" intolerance, and then blaming everyone for disliking them!   Perhaps if just a few of you would do something to endear yourselves to the society you are forever goading, that society will stop hating you.  Contribute something instead of just taking and criticising.  You are the authors of your own destiny so if the society you live amongst is sick of you, you need to improve your image.  It is that simple.  If the media and the police don't come to your defence, ask yourselves why they don't.  Do a bit of cheshbon hanefesh.  Burn down a few bus shelters, don't go into the Army, demonstrate against the secular life going on around you - and then ask the same secularists to come and help you when people start resenting you!  See how pathetic that is?  Good.  From this starting point then, you can move to a new dawn in your relations with the society whose respect, not hatred, you desire.

One of those Korach Moments

I'm not really writing now to spark any kind of discussion, but simply to get something off my chest.  It has been weighing me down over shabbos and might drive me to Hamodia's "Seeking Solutions" (chas vesholom) if I don't off-load soon.  Also I need to add that this is mostly written for women.  I can't forbid any man from reading further, but really only a woman would understand:

Now we all know the sort of 'touchy feely' lady who we dread meeting at the mikvah.  Yes her.  She can't tell you about the pain in her ankle without putting her arm around you for support and so on.  Well I had a real disaster of an encounter with her on erev shabbos.  If the earth could only have opened up, but it didn't.

I had parked on the gravel between some shops and houses, a bit of terrain not named anything by Barnet Council and so not ticketable.  It probably doesn't even count as a public road.  We might call it a fairly private road.  And who do you think had also parked there?  Yes, you've got it - Mrs Bisexual At Best.  I saw her car and decided to play safe:  do a long, drawn-out, talk-to-everybody shop that would keep me away from my car for 2 hours.  Didn't help though.

Got back to the car to find her virtually waiting for me.  So I smiled politely and muttered "hello. Nice to see you.  Miserable morning isn't it..." as I leaned into the car, and there she was - helping me in, passing me the end of my clothing that I might otherwise have caught in the door (in my haste to speed off), leaning over me with the seat belt and then, as if none of this was enough to make me gasp in terror, she closed in around my ear and whispered the three most unromantic words imaginable (to me at any rate) - "Who's Joe Blogs?"

Something along the lines of "ribono shel olom" (a less dignified turn of words if I remember correctly) crossed my mind as I informed my assailant that he doesn't really exist, he's just like Tom Dick and Harry, he could be anyone, but she said no, MRS Joe Blogs.  I said that was a new one on me, I've never heard the expression but I'm all for Women's Equality and all that, and have a good shabbos and a lovely pesach. 

"Don't you look at the blogs?"  she hissed. 

I told her what any one of us would have said, (viz we don't use such words in our house, we don't have a computer otherwise we couldn't daven at ....... etc) and shot out onto the public highway asap.  And it has taken a bit more than kiddush wine to bring my heart rate down.  If you are reading this, Mrs. BSAB, all I want to say is, in future please do NOT PASS beyone the mezuzah region of my car door and I will be very, very grateful.

Brainwashing Studies (aka Kodesh Subjects)

Couldn't stay quiet for more than a few days could I?  No.  I like opening my mouth and putting my foot in it, like an accomplished ballet dancer.  And who would stay quiet anyway when their kids come home from (Adass Yisroel type) school and start talking nonsense??  Is this what we are paying thousands in fees for -
so our kids can be brainwashed by a body of rabbis so unable to process information before passing it on that it makes a mockery of the very word "teach"??

This week my daughter returned home from the said establishment and informed me that she what she is being taught by this rabbi and that one, feels a bit like being duped by a smart con artist, where you are left wondering where the actual trick is - but your watch is still not where it should be.  She says Reform judaism "most likely addresses issues with honesty", where-as she and her friends are being spoon-fed non-facts disguised as emess.  How can she go to Sem, she asked me, and waste another year in such an environment - and at our expense?  Her guilt forbids it.  She would sooner we spend our money on getting her a private Jewish Education, that deals with the basics of why we keep anything AND which is taught with intellectual maturity. 

Obviously we have had to confiscate her application to the Leo Beck College and tie her up in her room.  How else does one deal with such a child?

Purim in the Blog House

Would you believe it, a person describing themselves as "mgv" accuses me of "pretending to be a woman on the internet" (comment on previous post).  I need to correct this grotesque distortion of my form immediately.

Last night at my husband's beis hamedrash (HMP Repentonville) they had a purim bash.  Mr. Blogs requested that I present myself  in my finest purim attire, for the purpose of entertaining him and his gentlemen friends.  Let's be honest, what else are women for?  Have we not already been told 100 times by certain learned minds (eg Drai-kop's) that the purpose of women is simply to enable men to be men?

Unfortunately for Mr. Blogs however, who was a bit shikkur and had forgotten that his wife has a bit of a feminist streak, I decided to attend dressed not as his wife at all, but as a zonah.  Moreover, I didn't actually attend in person as I was at home getting drunk at my own party, so I sent a representative - our gardener disguised as a zonah (called Mrs. Blogs). 

Draped in one of my less expensive sheitels, but a long one, made up to look pretty good (obviously, if he was to look anything like me) and wearing an outfit I believe I once wore for Kol Nidrei at Norris Lea in a past life, our Joe (painted of his soil-ridden fingernails first), repaired to Repentonville for the night.

4am:  Joe falls through the front door and announces he has been groped to the extent that he has finger prints on his chest hair.  He is not sure if he is pregnant but remembers suddenly that this is probably just a fantasy.  He is of the opinion that it is probably wise I didn't attend in person, and  he understands now why Jewish women insist on being apart from Jewish men "half the time".

I pour him a Turkish coffee and thank him for saving my bacon.  But when Mr. Blogs finds out later today that it wasn't me I will probably be had for garters and replaced anyway.  MGV, the floor is all yours.  The gardener will give you the (ad)dress. 

When Shabbos Chazon falls on Erev Purim

I have no doubt that some people are really happy with their good work of late.  Vendettas have been pursued rigourously and the wheels of justice are going round, well oiled, in the general public interest.

But from a kehilla that tends to pride itself on being machmir about so many things, a kehilla in which davening, learning, finding the perfect esrog and mocking the rest of Anglo-Jewry are all part and parcel of our way of life, we have disgraced ourselves beyond all imagination.  I am minded to set up a pig on Golders Green Road for us all to file past and reflect on just how grob the kehilla really is.

Some months ago RCH resigned all his public offices.  This wasn't enough of a downcoming, as he still had his own shteible.  No.  In order to effect a more complete humiliation, our wise and compassionate rabbonim issued their notorious declaration, about which the least said the better.  Then came the campaign against the Union/Kedassia; and some of the most despicable blogging from anyone remotely connected to any kind of yiddishkeit.  Some of these posts were, in plain English, unbecoming of human beings.  Bloggers, domem, tzomai'ach, chay, odom.  That's it.  Yisroel?  Don't make me sick.

All this was going on while a BD from abroad was preparing to sit and try the case at hand, so that justice on Torah lines would prevail.  But no.  The man had to resort to the English courts just so that the internet campaign against him could be stopped in the meantime.  Not one rabbi stopped this campaign of hate.  Not one rabbi showed an ounce of public compassion.  All the bloggers no doubt got to their minyonim 3 times a day, with their gemorohs to lean on, and remembered to say 100 (or 1000) brochos a day.  One big shame and disgrace on the entire community.

And the fight has now been taken into the secular boxing ring, with the man trying to protect his name before the BD paskens in his case now brought even lower by his enemies.   The courts have become the weapon:  if he can go to court to keep us quiet, we will see him taken to court - in handcuffs.  Oh, and is one permitted to read the megilah on a train bedi'eved??  Ha! ha! ha!  "Rachmonim bnei rachmonim" don't behave like this, sorry. 

Being a rov, and being a leader, are not the same thing.  Being frum and being a mensch are also not the same thing.  And being makpid bein odom laMokom whilst being a boor to a fellow yid is just about as incongruous as coming to shul wearing a tzailem.   When I go for my walk this shabbos (zochor) I will try not to think too ill of all the frummer yidden coming out of shul wishing eachother gut shabbos - while RC has been disgustingly fed to the lions (the ones now coming out of shul) by the rabbonim.   All I can see is the pig on Golders Green Road with half of the community filing past, in silence at last.  Purim can be cancelled this year, replaced with Tisha B'av.  Or better still, nothing.  We are not frum enough to warrant tisha b'av.

Anti-women, anti-Zionist, (anti- , anti- , anti- , . . . )

On that last post (sic!) things are hotting up.  There is definately a woman involved with Drai-Kop (so to speak) and now Lost Hope  has come riding up on his white steed and taken her side.  I'm sure I know the lady:  she is the ring-leader of the Women's Prayer Sessions at the Wall, disguised on this blog as a mere woman, hence "inferior", and clearly she should never have been let out of her kitchen.  Don't you agree, Drai-Kop? 

Meanwhile while Mr. Blogs is out, I am availing myself of the opportunity to bring him some wifely nachos and talk about the Gedolim who want to stop the yeshiva bochurim being conscripted into the IDF.  (Has anyone seen my profile?)   I say, of course these men shouldn't have to leave their yeshivos!  How dare the secular, Zionist, charedi-bashers try to steer these virtuous young men into army life?  Being a soldier wasn't what brought about the liberation of Yerushalyim in 1967; walking 7 times around the walls is what did it (and blowing the shofar of course).  No, if the government has any sense, it will conscript the WOMEN.

Think about it:  if women are inferior, and they get shot on the front-line, big deal.  If they are superior, they won't be on the front-line so they won't get shot.  If they are equal, they can at least learn a new skill that will help them earn more money when they return to civilian life and they will then be better able to support their devout men-folk in a neat division of labour (divided between the women, I mean).  In fact I am amazed the women from Belz, Viznitz, Sans etc don't feel offended by the State's ignoring them in this humiliating way.  It is as if the Israeli government would rather have some youth who can only think (in Yiddish) about life 1000 years ago, than have a young woman who has practical front-line management skills, is used to giving and receiving orders, is willing to shave her head AND has no time for night clubs anyway.  Doesn't make sense.  Discrimination is what this is.  Charedi Women Demand The Right To Enlist. 

Public Stoning Today, 3pm GMT, Outside Hagar's

    It appears that some gentlemen find this blog disrespectful to rabbonim and to aspects of charedi life generally.  So while there many be thousands of people reading it and even agreeing with it, there is a reluctance to publically acknowledge it.
    Well guess what!  I find the attitudes of charedi men towards women highly flattering. 
     I find rabbinic thinking throughout the ages on a whole host of related issues totally acceptable and unpatronising, and I find the majority of charedim only too ready to stand up for what they know to be fundamentally right even if this goes against the rabbinic grain.
    So if the tone of this blog offends you (or your rabbi) it is probably because you find it permissable to condemn some forms of sexual abuse, but not others. 

Lore and Order

I showed my husband the pic on the front of yesterday's Times, sadly of a lady who had taken her life.  My hubby said, "shame - she was a good-looking lady and I for one find her so attractive that I am going to cut that picture out and use it as a bookmark in my gemora so that it is always there for me to look at".
    None of which surprised me.
    I showed my brother another picture, this one of Angela Merkal shaking hands with David Cameron.  Ranted brother: "But she might have her period!"  Followed by, "oh, she's not a bas yisroel so that doesn't matter.  Anyway, she's past her prime and does nothing for me so the PM can have her".
    This came as no surprise either.
     We are probably all agreed that when a man sees a picture of a woman, in any circumstances, he can only think in terms of sexual attractiveness.  The female counterpart to himself doesn't exist.  Show him a pic of a male inventor and he says "looks like an intelligent fellow".  Show him a pic of a female brain surgeon and he says "she looks good with that lipstick". 
    Ergo, the jewish press and pictures of women go together like milk and meat. 
    And men just accept this rather pathetic opinion of themselves!!
    As for the pics in the jewish papers that I promised to scour this week for a replacement pin-up for yours truly, I have decided that if the Told Av trims his eyebrows a bit, he could be worth looking at.  Ladies, please!  Restrain yourselves!  Did any of you read the dvar torah by R. XXX???   Nice-looking, isn't he.  What was his point - oh, yes, that women are posul le'eidus.  Ha! Ha!

The Tcherionthetopover says...

   Let us assume that a certain chasidishe rov is found guilty as charged.  Then what?  He has already surrendered his public offices, and his own home is untouchable by the communal authorities.  He cannot be imprisoned by any beis din, nor can he be given community service, nor can he be ordered to step down as the rov of his own kehilla.  He cannot be ordered to leave town, however desirable this may or may not be, and although he could be placed under a cherem, no-one would be obliged to adhere to it. 
   The question of compensation could possibly arise, although it didn't need a special beis din from abroad - at ludicrous expense - to pronounce on this aspect or to determine amounts, and he could be stripped of the title "rov", which also doesn't require a Sanhedrin.  All in all then, blogging about this particular subject is bitul zman.  The real issues of the day are being side-lined by this sordid saga.
   Punters down at the Slap & Tickle have been reduced to describing themselves as "machmir" on various issues, such as the GG eruv.  They are not undermining the LBD, they are just "being machmir". 
   This is not true.  Various rabbonim from the UOHC actually declared that the eruv was ossur, must not be used.  DCE had already paskened that it could be used.  He didn't order people to use it, so that those who are machmir don't have to; but he has not forbidden it. 
   Reb Chuna and others, on the other hand, took away the option to be machmir - they attempted to overrule an internationally renowned dayan and talmid chochom by declaring it to be breaking shabbos if one used the eruv.  This is going a bit further down the line than just being machmir.
   Ironically this undermining of DCE has landed on its head, as this esteemed gentleman has now been involved in the case bringing down his one-time critics.  Happy purim!!
   But all of this is somewhat by the way.  My real point is that banning the eruv was a "reactionary" ruling by Union rabbis who cannot move away from Jewish life as it was lived in pre-war Europe.  Most of their rulings are in this vein.  DCE was paskening as Head of the LBD, which is rooted in "present-day" Jewish life.  Herein lies the difference between the Union and Anglo-Jewish orthodoxy.  It is all very well to knock the mainstream because its values are not those of the Union, but at the end of the day the values of the latter organisation are not above question by any means.  It is just that its members have opted NOT to question or challenge their rabbonim for fear of being put on a hit-list.  "Machmir" my foot! 
   Jewish life doesn't need to be as stringent as the far right have made it.  We don't need to tell bochurim who are have trouble with emunah that they must control their yetzer or that they are possibly suffering from OCD (as per "Seeking Solutions" in Hamodia a few weeks ago, which I wrote about at the time).  It is okay not to be a malach.  When we want to be maikil on anything we give ourselves a heter, so we can stop being so super-human to appease the rabbonim.  Then we will have fewer sexually malfunctioning individuals needing/offering marriage counselling, or people seeking pleasure where they will or falling into child abuse; we will have homosexuals living their lives, and straight people - for whom homosexuality is proscribed (ie forbidden) - being good straight people; and we will have youth looking happy and relaxed instead of always "over their shoulders" (for fear of not being guilty about something).
   Anyone who thinks this blog has gone too far can retire now back to the Slap & Tickle.  Everyone else - l'chaim! (And here's to Women Not Being Pencilled Out of Pictures in the Yiddishe Press For Heaven's Sake).
  

To The Women-only Clinic, Amshinov:

    Dear Rebbe shlita,
    I am writing in the hope that you will be able to assist me in my terrible plight. 
    Last Motzi Shabbos my hubby decided to tie me (albeit nice and gently) to the kitchen sink, in a fit of passion for kovod hatorah because I had blogged publically against our Union.
    The said Union seems to be under the impression that every eventuality in human life is catered for within the remit of existing halocho, but I am not aware of "therapy" being covered anywhere in any text.
    You want me to explain what I mean by this strange term: therapy.  It has its roots in the Hebrew "terufah", and it basically means 'to put right every emotion that has gone wrong on account of OCD in halachic matters'.
    Most charedi women/men will be referred for it at some point in their lives, and you have been personally recommended to me by someone who told me you have that personal touch.  I do hope you understand my English, sorry I don't speak your language. 
    The main problem seems to be that, mitzad halocho, touching between the sexes is taboo unless people are married to eachother.  BUT, mitzad some much needed therapeutic physical contact, the halocho is shtum, not a word.  This is not because physical contact is necessarily ossur in all human situations, but because the concept of therapy was not around in those days (you know the ones I mean) and therefore no proviso is made for it.
    Now the women you treat, (treat to what, I ask myself dreamily), could all complain about you to their Union if they had one; which they don't (so they don't know if they have anything to complain about).  Here, as you may have heard by now, we have (had) a Union and people use it for complaining to and about.  I used it for the latter purpose and, as I have told you, my husband then abused me by imposing a kitchen curfew on me until after pesach.  Halachically I am exempt from making pesach of course, because the commandment to remove all chometz from the house wasn't given to women.  Ditto with the commandment to procreate, which also wasn't given to women.  Both of these I do as a service of the heart for no monetary reward (unless there are unusual circumstances), and I don't expect to have my tongue's liberty curtailed just because I am always right.
    In conclusion then, any help you can give my husband will be used in evidence and that is always much appreciated.
    Yours most sincerely,
    Mrs. Joe Blogs (rbtzn).

     After all the frantic blogging of recent days (and nights), the situation has changed quite dramatically.  For some, the RCH matter has been refreshed; others have been seriously challenged by the Channel 4 programme about charedim not reporting child abuse to the authorities.  But prior to all this blogging people were looking towards purim and pesach.  So the said activity really has caused a major shift in communal thinking.
    But it is not major enough.  Apart from anything else, it is backwards-looking.  We are just blogging back round the same old stories again. 
    Looking ahead, however, fills me with gloom and despair because I get the vibe that nothing (beyond our thinking) is ever going to change.  It won't change because the will is just not there. 
    For all the ranting against rabbonim - and some of the ranting has been sorely lacking in basic derech eretz - at the end of the day no-one wants to alter the status quo.  We are happy to criticise to the hilt, to denigrate, to scorn and to chastise our leaders, but they must remain as our leaders.  (Although why they would want to stay in their posts is beyond me).  When it comes to religious matters, they show us the way. 
    Without them, how would we know when to call a doctor on shabbos?  How would we know how to kosher the plumbing for pesach, or when there is a heter to speak loshon horra?  We wouldn't know when to stop having children or which schools to send our kinderlech to, or who to marry.  Nor would we know how to prepare fruit and veg for our (large) households for a quick and healthy mid-week meal minus invisable creepy-crawlies.  (Surely if Hashem didn't want us to eat them, He would have given us bionic eyes?  Surely blood spots in eggs could have been dealth with less wastefully by making the shells transparant?  Surely it is a sin to waste??)
    And if we have a way of life that leads to all sorts of unhealthy feelings in our developing youth, still we don't question.  Kids just sometimes go off the derech:  we don't push them off it. 
    So whilst it is okay to speak with the utmost lack of respect about these rabbis of ours, the important thing is that they remain our leaders and show us how to live ehrlicheh lives and be good yidden.
    Someone actually commented on a recent post here that it was important "not to throw out the baby with the bath water".  Sometimes we just need to throw out the bath water; and if we cannot do that for fear of throwing out the baby then basically we are just sitting in the same water forever.  If everyone is happy with that, fine.  This is the defining trait of charedi yiddishkeit, sadly.

When Abuse Is All The Rage

      Well, where to begin? 
      I don't want to waste time stating what is generally known, viz, that if child abuse exists in the world, it exists within our own 4 walls also.  We are not, after all, a different species of humanity. 
      But we do boast a way of life that is designed to maintain holiness in the camp.  If something unholy happens, it highlights a tension between our aspirations and our humanity.  If we are all asked to live in a way that we cannot all live up to, the result is abuse.   
      Why should we be mind-blown by the fact that some charedim are gay?  The Torah might forbid homosexuality, like it forbids a variaty of sexual associations, but the reality is that some people are gay.  Hashem understands human weakness, hence for example the law of the woman captured in battle.  How does that square with the law against intermarriage? Rather than have the battle-weary men sin with non-Israelite women, the law made it possible for them to have their cake and eat it. 
      So what if homosexuality is an "abomination"?  Is abuse more acceptable to man or to Hashem?  We need to make it possible for those in the community who are sexually challenged in this respect to find an outlet for the very human aspect of their lives without fear of shame and scandal.  This will go a very long way to protecting children from unwanted attention.
      Is this to condone sin?  Yes.  I personally feel that Hashem would rather people sinned as consenting adults than sinned against young children, (although I may be wrong). 
      So I would invite the Union to open a gay minyan, open to anyone who needs to catch a mincha, with a decorus mikva that gay/straight men can avail themselves of, and where everyone can shake hands and wish eachother gut shabbes with respect and maturity. 
      I dare say this blog will now be closed down by the frumkeit police.  Another edict, another Gilui Daas.  "Joe Blogs is unfit to serve as a blogger in any capacity, and whoever logs on to Speakerscornernw11 is not to be given an aliya". 
      Like I am very afraid.  (I fear Hashem ever so much more).

This blog: the key-board of anglo-jewish orthodoxy

     I've not yet seen this week's JT, nor have I spoken to anyone about its likely contents and omissions.  But I can guess what I'm missing.  There's the yiddish section (which anglo-jewish orthodoxy is fully up to speed with?);  the "Here & There" sniff (as in "Perek Beis, sniff aleph") that has a tendency to knock things like the United Synagogue (but which might be rethinking its position this week);  there are the pin-up pages (I refer you to the first post on this blog); and then there's Dina Rosell's version of the news (as it affects over-defensive and 'above-criticism' arrogant charedim, who push their luck and then feel got at when they get what's coming to them).  Not all charedim can identify with this version of the news, and I am in this latter category.  Basically then, what am I missing?
    The adverts.  The "lost & found".  The kashrus public information bulletin.  The riddle of the week.  All things to do with "the" (ha!)
     If I want a piece of real news, of the kind that might be of interest to anglo-jewish orthodoxy, I only need to log on, and suddenly everything that hasn't been reported in the press becomes clear. 
     Worryingly, some people actually write in commending the T. on its wonderful coverage and lack of schmutz.  The only paper that can be left lying around for even the kids to read, without fear of the treifa velt coming into the house.  Might as-well just leave the pages blank then.  At least that way no-one can be accused of biased reporting, reporting 'losh' or hood-winking the readership.  (Although I am quite partial to the odd wink).  People like this don't need a newspaper, they need their own street leaflet (with a Notice about worms on one side).  The rest of us are straining at the leash to let off steam, to have our voices heard.  No outlet only means more frustration and more tension, and the end of it will be forced conversion to Satmar chassidus. 
     But what should the Tribune be reporting, and how??  Surely everything newsworthy or debatable is halachically problematic?            Nu, didn't I say they should leave the pages blank?

STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

   I take this opportunity to point out that the Joe Bloggs from "If you tickle us" is not me.  My name is really Ms. Joe Blogs.   Moving on, if you have been sitting quietly in a corner down at the Slap and Tickle recently, trying to make sense of what you over-hear (as distinct from over here), let me explain:-

    The RCH problem seems to have opened a can of worms.  Various individuals and communities aligned to the Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregations (UHOC), felt strongly (as in extra-strong chrayne) that the Union had failed to take swift and appropriate action regarding RCH's marriage guidance for married women.  Anger turned to the Union, and suddenly RCH was buried in the snow, replaced by Union politics on a grand scale.  Kedassia, the kashrus arm of that body, was first up for the slaughter; followed swiftly by burials, schools, mikvos, and lack of education for boys.  Every aspect of life in Stamford Bridge went under the microscope, and boy were there worms!

   Here at The Kashrus Arms the clientele are just beginning to wake up to the fact that Belz is not for drinking neat.  Modified with a large dose of Satmargarine greased into the palms, and sprinkled with some chasidus from the Grand Rebbes to produce a single malt-like drink, these two spirits blend together like blood and sandpaper.  It is basically just a power struggle, but why should we bring these noble chasidim down to our level ?  It is far more than just an ordinary un-holy power struggle.  It is a fight for who controls the funds of the Union and thereby the levels of blood pressure and religious excess for 21st century yidden all over the velt.  So you can see why all this is so important.  And fraught with kedusha.

   But the best part of it all is that these 2 great branches of chasidus, warring for turf like nobody's business, are related by marriage to eachother and to other dynasties to boot.  Does the wife of the Grand Rebbe of Belz speak to her counter-parts from Satmar or Vishnitz?  Do any of them speak to that other chasidic rov, the one from Golders Green with the Well & Good Arms that poses as a mikva in his back garden?  Or are they all on skype and text?

   As a lady who does occasionally drive past the odd mikva (its on my way to Sainsbury's), I dare to suggest that the JT starts producing some news about the Anglo-Jewish orthodoxy of which that paper claims to be the 'voice'.  So far this whole saga has only been gleaned off the internet!  Loshon hora is one thing; public interest debate is quite another.  (Although it is just dawning on me that the Tribune might well be an arm of the Union rather than a news paper, but we'll save that for another stream).

L'Chaim !

     It was suggested to me that I allow shame-less (ie anonymous) comments on the blog so that no-one need be afraid of expressing his/her views (although HAshem knows who you are!) - and I have decided to give this a go for a LIMITED PERIOD ONLY!!!!!  So if you have anything to say, feel free to say it now!  I am drinking a l'chaim to this experiment and I hope you will comment "ad b'li die" (on ANY of my posts), and may we all merit to laugh together in the rebuilt city of Sholom speedily in our days, omain.

    Now can someone kindly put me in the picture as to what a certain chap whose name rhymes with "brand" has done wrong and explain why "he has to go".  Keep it simple because I am a woman.  The subject has come up for discussion down at the Slap & Tickle brewery but I don't drink there unless I can keep up.  Thanks in advance for the facts (the what???) 

Twerski gets my goatie again; and For Whom The Belz Toll

I know we all want to stay tuned in to the gossip and we can't all fit in at the same time down at the Well & Good Arms (some of us just don't fit in anywhere, never mind at RC's mikvah), but there is another matter I need to off-load about:  once again the "Seeking Solutions" bloke in Hamodia has offended my sensibilities.  A guy explains how he was sometimes rude to his (late) overpowering father in the course of their working relationship, and he is advised to do teshuvah for this aveiroh (Hamodia, issue parshas Bo).  Don't we all know that parents can sometimes drive us to distraction??  Does the commandment require us to submit to all their personality quirks at the expense of our own sanity - or does Hashem allow us some mercy and grace to be just human occasionally???  Not every human reaction is either an aveiroh, ocd, or the yetzer horror story, Rabbi Twerski !  Sometimes you can tell your questioners that all is well; they have done nothing wrong and they are perfectly normal.  In other words, THEY DON'T NEED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT EVERYTHING!!  Mind you, I am sure one or two of them could be guilty of something, possibly.
            Anyway, coming back to the general topic of conversation around the world, does anyone think the Belzer Rebbe's son was in Manchester recently for a hachnosas Sefer Torah??  I think a few respected beards needed a conduit to bring and buy I mean to import and export various kvittelech between the UK and Eretz Yisroel with regard to a certain case in the offing, and this good-looking guy from Belz doesn't arouse suspician because he looks completely unJapanese and his father sent him, so obviously Kibud Ov brought him from Israel to Manchester (via Stockport) for a hachnosas sefer torah . . .    yeah right.

Snow brings the white-wash

      If you have been reading some of the recent comments on this site, you will by now be aware that certain things are not open to question.  They are given and immutable. 
      A few weeks ago in the "Seeking Solutions" in HaModia, a yeshiva bochur wrote in seeking advice for on-going problems with emunah, and he described how guilt-ridden he felt having so many inappropriate thoughts.  In reply R.Twersky said that either the bochur was just not fighting the yetzer hora strongly enough, or he was suffering from a form of OCD.
      That a youth of 19 should be given these options is surely emotional blackmail of a most heinous variaty.  Sadly the rabbis we entrust with our very souls are sometimes so afraid themselves, they are simply incapable of being true guides and mentors.  But we go on calling them rabbis because convention says we must and it is not open to question.
       I venture to suggest that there are many rabbonim who, for various reasons (ranging from women to emunah, finance, children, arms-dealing and drugs) could all be described as "unfit" to serve.   (It is probably either their yetzer, or their OCD).  But most of them, (unless they are extremely unlucky), will still be titled and respected rabbis for years to come, since the only thing the community condemns is sexual impropriaty.  This alone can cost a rabbi his position, it seems.

Daughters of Tzelofchod Untie

I have been away from my blog and Tickle for a day and look what the naughty boys have been up to.  If RCH could have forseen that it would all end with kedassia going up in smoke, the Disunion going down the pan and misnagdim vs. chassidim hissing and nagging at eachother, I think he would probably have chosen to go and live in Leyton.  But who could have forseen???  Anyway, I haven't been able to read everything that has appeared in the last day or so, but I am getting the vibe that something is not right.  I mean, things seem so very wrong that I can't even get my letters out in the right order. 
     I have long been thinking that the charedi world has gone mad in all sorts of ways.  The rabbonim seem to say what they like in the noble aim of upholding kedushah in different ways (or of keeping the goyishe velt at bay - hope my yiddish impresses you), and nobody says "that's not for me" or "he thinks we all live in Mea Shearim".  No, all of a sudden the whole character of orthodoxy has to change - or kids won't find shidduchim, people won't get aliyos, businesses will fail and moshiach won't come.  I thought the rabbonim were not allowed to impose anything on the kehilla that the kehilla would find too difficult to live with.  Well I can't live with Playboy coming through the letterbox every Friday; and I know thousands of frum ladies (not that I'm such a lady myself) who can't live with the Jewish Tribune.  If ever you wanted a contradiction in terms it is "organ  of ANGLO-JEWISH ORTHODOXY".
        Since when was Anglo-Jewry so orthodox that it needed anything other than the Chronicle?  Only when it wasn't anglo at all, but German and generally European and "Agudah".  Anglo-Jewish????!!!!!!!!!!  Go and wash your mouth out.  That is for people who use the eiruv, have modern buggies, eat Beth (who?) Din meat and listen to a sermon.  The agudah is for people who can't live without chrayne, daf yomi (betting pages), computers, rabbinic edicts and dictats, and collecting.  And for such values we need to keep our hair covered and our toe nails invisible?  Do me a favour!  I don't flatter myself that I'm such a turn-on (I could be wrong), that I need to walk around like a ghost or in burkah.  If freedom is to be curtailed by such nonsense, it should my old man who is kept indoors.  If he can't go out without thinking "nice bit of skirt, that" or "I could fancy that (her)", then HE shouldn't be allowed out.  Why do I need to cover up so that he can make a brocha??  What rabbinic blackmail is that to keep women under wraps? 
      The point I'm getting to is that all this blogging has revealed the deep problems with the kehilla about almost every aspect of charedi life.  It is turning out to be too much of a strain.  Most of it is as unnatural as being gay.  In fact being gay is at least a choice, not a dictat. So blog away and we'll see if anything changes as a result of our new orthodox organs. 

A woman's place is in de heim

If I have learnt anything today, it is that I am a real idiot.  I have lived for [ ] number of years in some kind of bubble, in which great rabbis are men of high character.  Today that bubble went bang: it turns out that the great rabbis are in fact women, and that I could have been one of them if I hadn't listened to my parents all those years ago and gone to Sem.  What was the point of that?  All I can do from where I am now is sit on the sidelines and fume, and because I am allowed even less access to the internet than my husband (who only uses it for his work), I have no outlet for all the interesting things I need to get off my chest.  I have less of a public voice than the woman who reads the shipping forcast.  Where is it written that a woman has to live like a cholent, simmering away until she's fit to burst, while the men come out with all the tripe the next day?  Enough!  From now on, I'm the one coming out with all the tripe . . .

Voice of reason (kol isha)

   Its 11pm on shabbos night.  Everyone is either in bed, going to bed or blogging.  I am flicking through the new glossy section of Hamodia, which this week is all about affairs.  Not affairs of the heart, or affairs as in "it was a sordid affair", but affairs as in "the chupah is in London, and the Do is in Luzcerne".  Not so long ago we were being cajoled by the rabbonim to make our get-togethers a little less lavish and a little more modest.  Now this! 

   In its own defence, Hamodia takes the trouble of putting Rabbeinu Hakadosh on a pedastol for making a lavish affair.  The difference of course, is that he invited "all the tanna'im and talmidei chachamim of his time"; we invite all our wealthy friends and business associates, so bringing the occasion down to one of pure dosh.  (Do I even know any poor people?) 
  
   Perhaps our rabbonim are not as learned as Hamodia's editorial board, and so don't know just how lavish a do Reb Shimon's chasunah was.  Hence they  tell us to tone down our simchas.  More likely though, the big shots at Hamodia sussed that the way to a woman's heart is through a glossy mag with pictures of dressed tables and fancy halls, and some male singers just for added interest, and that business will fall once they do a supplement on fast cars, medical insurance and DIY.  Once again, its the women who hold the key to success.

   The Tribune, it must be said, hasn't yet sunk so low as to produce a glossy mag to pander to anyone's material senses.  It has higher values.  (Was I knocking it the other day?  Can't believe it).  I'm not saying it is a newspapaer, but whatever it is, it has standards.  Hamodia even advertises in the secular Jewish papers, (not that I read those) and I guess it must have learnt from them about glossy mags. 

   Well if the editorial board is reading this, please can you do a feature about smart hats for weddings and for yom-tov parading in NW11, thank-you.  And another one on shoes.  And baby formula.  And one on property in Israel for my husband (to keep him quiet while I'm in Amshinov).

BRIDGING THE GAP

I'm starting my own blog trying to make some sense out of the Chaim Halpern debacle.  The current facts seem to be as follows:  This world-renowned chassidic rov and religious Judge in the Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregatiions appears to have been giving marriage guidance counselling for many years.  At some point in recent years, various complaints were made by some women, to other rabbis, that the counselling they were being given was somewhat inappropriate for a rabbi.  R.Halpern was advised to stop his counselling sessions, and chose not to follow this advice.  He maintained that he was healing these broken women and rebuilding their family life, which of course is highly commendable - if done properly. 
   All of a sudden last autumn, things took a drastic turn and another senior rabbi of the Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregations insisted that R.Halpern "leave town" asap.  What had happened??  No sensible answers have been given, but it appears that as many as 30 or so women complained (suddenly?) that they had been touched and spoken to inappropriately and they were going to the police.  The next thing anybody knew, which transpired several weeks later, was that R.Halpern had been obliged to stand down from all his public duties in the Union, including his position as Principal of the Beth Jacob Senior Girls School, whilst maintaining his innocence.  So the Union were washing their hands of him, if only because they strongly disapproved of his actions; but most likely because they had no choice once the external authorities were being called in!
   However, R.Halpern had a privately-run synagogue located within his own home, and this could not be touched.  So when the other rabbis realised that they could not stop him being the rabbi of his own community, they went further to try and stop his followers attending services there.  They issued a proclamation declaring that R.Halpern was "unfit to serve as a rabbi in any capacity".  Still nothing much happened ! A few people stopped their allegience but the little synagogue (shteible) continues to operate and have support.   R.Halpern continues to give his talks and classes (shiurim) on different aspects of Jewish life, and if it wasn't for the internet one could be forgiven for thinking all was now quiet.  Of course the question remains, if he is innocent why did the rabbis issue such an edict?  The panel of rabbis that investigated the complaints was by no means an amateur kangaroo court.  But we shall return to this question.  We might also like to ask why it wasn't enough for them that he resigned his public offices?  Why did they seek to finish him off completely, and so publically and humiliatingly?  We might return to this matter too !
   Something close to an on-going riot then followed.  Differenct factions went head-to-head with their support for either R.Halpern or as anti-Halpernists.  People stopped buying kosher meat under the supervision of the Union Rabbinate in protest at the Union's failure to oust R.Halpern effectively years earlier.  This economic pressure could not be underestimated and the Union had to take further action:  so it eventually appointed another team of international rabbinic judges to try the case again and urged the public to hold fire until such time as this court issued a ruling.  After that the Union would take swift action (if necessary).  But this posed the problem of what about the rabbinic proclamation that had already been issued???  Didn't that carry any weight?  What respect could the people have for those rabbis and judges if it could be set aside so lightly?  Why did the Union need a second court of judges to hear the evidence?
   More importantly, what penalty could any religious court impose, if no criminal activity had taken place?
Unless the police and criminal justice system could be deployed, the Halpern followers are free to attend the synagogue of their choice however many edicts are issued against the man.  So what stands to be gained by having even 50 different hearings?  Why is there such a drive to get R.Halpern to leave town instead of talk to make him pay compensation to the victims he is supposed to have abused?  The whole emphasis is on saving the community from outside policing, not on any actual victims (if they exist), a strange angle to take in the face of such a crime against the person/s.
   So when I look at this state of affairs, I cannot be certain that any kind of abuse has taken place.  The rabbi might have acted foolishly but this is not a crime.  The police have not impounded R.Halpern or his synagogoue, and he remains free to travel and counsel and live his life without going on the run from the authorities.  The second rabbinic trial is due to take place at some point in the forseeable future, but it will have no power of enforcement or sanction other than to issue another edict and hope that everyone will then abandon R.Halpern and that will be the end of him.  How will that help the victims?
    It will save the community from outside policing.  The victims will have been silenced.  All will be quiet once more.
    Now take a look at the "ifyoutickleus" blog and see how wrong I am !!

Amshinov a bitch

I wish the JT would stop publishing pictures of men, when they could so easily pencil them out.  Did anyone see the Amshinover Rebbe in this week's pics?  He's not bad looking, is he?  And rumour has it that he is a purveyor of exquisite sexual therapy to boot.  From the moment I saw his picture in the centre pages on Thursday, until half an hour before shabbos - when my hubby came home and shrieked "Chani! Have you set the eiruv like a good Jewish wife?" (doesn't he know my name is Joe, not Chani??) - I sat drooling over this picture, sucking on my pen until I lost a filling.  Don't quite know how I got shabbos done, but G-d knows alright! On Friday night I said to my husband, "what are we doing after shabbos?" and he said he was going to learn with a friend and maybe do a bit of business.  I said "fine, because I'll be going to Amshinov - the new shopping centre - for a couple of hours and some therapy".  Easy as that. And the charedi press think they are doing mankind a favour deleting Hilary Clinton et al femmes fatale from their pages! My husband simply requested that I don't spend too much, but what the heck - I don't go to Amshinov every day.  And the best bit is that while this "scandal" is going on about rabbis giving marriage guidance to (married) women, when they should be giving shiurim, the men just don't see that sticking pictures of men with beards in the yiddishe press every week is driving some women crazy.  No wonder marriage guidance is all the rage.  Once again the press has done untold damage.  They think only men get turned on by pictures! Not so mate.  In these days of equality, women are just as vulnerable to feelings of lust and sin.  That's why we have advertising.  But its time to stop blogging now and go to Amshinov.